Wednesday, 29 April 2009

When the music stops

Silence. There is something quite melodic about silence; the lull of breath, the dull roar of blood in ears and the faint thud of hearts as they beat.

In a world where noise is like our shadow; trailing behind us, never ceasing until the sun falls and our bodies rest in a room of quiet darkness, silence is often desired, hoped for, wished upon. Everyone wants a bit of silence. Time to collect their thoughts and clear their minds.

Not me. I fill my days with noise. I love the sound of people chatting and laughing, phones ringing. And when those days are over, I fill my nights with music. Song after song, every beat, every voice, every melody makes me happy and I settle into a rhythmic ease.

Yesterday the music stopped. I was sitting in my room writing, the sound of my iPod playing happily in the background when suddenly, nothing. The noise of the house filled my room which all at once seemed too large, too hollow. Cold. But the truth was, there was no noise. The house was vacant. There was nothing but empty rooms, empty air. Silence.

And so I realised. I hate silence. Sitting there in the cold of my room, the slight hum of my computer my only company, my mind went haywire. I was alone. And with that realisation, my thoughts trailed to more depressing places; the fact that I've felt alone for a long time now and I didn't want to be. And so in my enforced rumination, I understood that my continual desire for all things loud, this thrist for music playing 24/7 was just a lie. If I filled in the silence, I drowned out my thoughts and the truth; the truth being how unhappy I was.

Of course, I am not completely unhappy. I actually feel quite at home being on my own, more so that anyone else I know. (Plus, this is what being a writer is all about; enforced alone time). But it was in that instant of stark silence, in all of its harshness, that I grasped at a minor flaw in my life and became aware of its implications. I tell you, realisation is a powerful thing.

As is silence.

8 comments:

  1. I was going to leave you a short comment saying you'd been tagged and the details are on my blog post dated 29th April (which is still true - go see it), but on reading your post I felt it wouldn't be enough to just leave such a trite comment and depart...

    I can completely relate to what you've written, I was definitely like that a few years ago - drowning out my life with plenty of noise because I was afraid of what silence might make me think. I realise now it's not always a bad thing, though; the realisations may be painful at first, but they give you a chance to do something about them - to change something which isn't right but which you've been ignoring all this time. Hopefully yours was a smilar breakthrough.

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  2. I wish for silence, I wish for a moment alone. It doesn't happen often in my world :-) I wish I could hear my own voice of critique... instead I learned to switch off.

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  3. Sometimes silence is my friend, allowing to escape to worlds nobody else can enter unless I invite them in. From silence, often my best poetry is born, but then I do like to have music shutting out the rest of the world too...

    BJR

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  4. It's amazing, when we have silence we don't want it and vice versa. Law of the Sod, i like to think.

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  6. Loved this post - I can relate quite a bit. Years ago I was constantly filling up my time, simply because I felt I had to fill it. Lately though (maybe because I'm obsessed with the blog writing!) I've felt more comfortable on my own doing something I love. Hopefully that won't stifle my social life, but I completely get what you're saying. Love your blog and just added it to my reader. Thanks!

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